i must be pretty desperate to resort to this, but i guess im just so stuck and i dont know anyone who can move me. not that no one is special too me its just, i dont think it be easy to explain. i usually never really confide into people so easily, i can’t even express my frustration out loud and i guess it has to do with all this insecurity i’ve bottled up for so long. i feel driven to mad insanity because i’m really working hard and i don’t see or feel any results. perhaps im doing something really wrong? or so right it just didn’t compute into this world. but then again what does compute in this world?
recent events have lead me to pure desperation and confusion. i am truly at a loss of motivation and i feel so half hearted some of the time. other times i am so overwhelmed with emotions that i. myself, cannot compute! i know i am not a robot, but being emotional has never worked in my favour. holy shit, you don’t even understand how stuck i feel, how totally frustrated i am getting and its really driving me mad! i feel like seeing no one for long periods of time and i feel like latching myself onto someone like a leech. i feel extremely alone and incredibly close to nothing at all.
i’ve never been so unstable in my life, i usually go through the motions smoothly, doing what it is i usually do, but i just feel so conflicted, so confused, so GODDAMN STUCK. this, all this surge of emotion, needs to go somewhere, it needs to be gone, but right now its a big block in the bottom of my belly and its just beating like a drum to get out. i feel so sick of myself and so at loss of who i am. im just one big contradiction at the moment and i want to quit. i want nothing anymore but everything at the same time. im a horrible person with good intentions and yet i still can’t seem to get anything right. i’m literally falling apart as a person and as a friend. slowly breaking is harder than collapsing all at once.
i really want to know how to disappear slowly because i dont even know if i can survive the storm that is me.